melbells1126

Moved!

2007-07-09T22:45:05Z

Hello everybody! So yeah I just moved a few weeks ago with less than 30 days notice (gotta love my landlord) so things have been way hectic. I have a great new place though, and I live with a roommate now instead of being alone all the time. It's a nice change. We don't have to be together overly much, but we do hang out and were friends before we got a condo together. It's nice just to hear somebody else moving around in the house. I'm not the sort of person who should be isolated for long periods of time. The neighborhood is wonderful...very historic, and one of the few places left withan honest-to-goodness main street, and we live right behind it in a nice little condo complex with gated parking and a gorgeous courtyard with laterns and benches and plants. There's also this little german bar rt around the corner with a 6 page imported beer menu, and a restored pre-civil war dinner theatre that shows movies now right across the street. I'm in heaven :)

for Anadart :)

2007-05-31T22:16:59Z

1. Your Middle Name: Marie

2. Age: 26

3. Single or Taken: single

4. Favorite Movie: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman

5. Favorite Song or Album: right now? probably The Killers new alblum "Sam's Town"

6. Favorite Band/Artist: best pianist ever- George Winston

7. Dirty or Clean: how about slightly muddy

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: ears pierced....want a tattoo, drew my own design, just need $$ and the nerve

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ? Nope

10. What's your philosophy on life? duck...the shit's flying

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty? eh.....depends on the day, but probably half empty

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest? depends on whose secret

13. What is your favorite memory of us? when I first discovered the ex_christians community and you and the others helped me get over wigging out.

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? wouldn't you like to know? but truly...CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: I can't stand having my feet dirty, but hate wearing shoes...go figure

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
a. a man that really loves me for me (and of course can make my knees weak!)
b. a job/career I can enjoy
c. financial stability - not to be rich (that has it's own set of probs) but to be comfortable and secure

17. Can we get together and make a cake? sure :) I'm a kick-ass baker

18. Which country is your spiritual home? ummmm.......ok, totally unrelated to the belief system, but I feel at peace surrounded by natural beauty, so anywhere with luscious forests would make me feel "home"

19. What is your big weakness? probably letting myself spend too much time in my own head. I need to be more social and aware of other people

20. Do you think I'm a good person? well that's a loaded question, but so far as I can tell from livejournal, YES

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school? Literature hands down

22. Describe your accent: wierd mix of PA and VA

23. If you could change anything about me, would you? haha.....move you closer so we could bake that cake! mmmm.... I really want cake now.

24. What do you wear to sleep? nuthin' usually

25. Trousers or skirts? depends on weather, but I prefer to wear skirts

26. Cigarettes or alcohol? BOTH......what's with this "or" stuff

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? fly to someplace beautiful, see what there is to see

28. Favorite Book oh my.....there are SO many......I'd have to say The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the galaxy (all 5 books) by Douglas Adams

29. Favorite Computer/Video Game mah jong!

30. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you? yes :)

Awesome website

2007-05-31T21:50:03Z

So yeah a friend introduced me to this, and I thought I'd spread the word. The site is: www.paperbackswap.com and when you register you can post any books in good condition that you are wanting to unload. People request your books and you pay to send them out via media mail (around $2 ish) and when they get them you get a credit for any book you want from the site, which is sent to you for free. They also have a sister site for CD's that works the same way. Anyhow, thought you might enjoy :) happy swapping. I posted 22 books today and half of them have already been requested. The site even prints a label for you with the shipping address, your return address, and the amount of postage needed.

catching up

2007-05-28T16:22:16Z

Wow, hard to believe it's been a solid month since I posted. Work has been really busy, so I haven't had time to kick around online like ususal. Things have been going alright. Still seeing boy-toy from the office (gotta love stress-relief sex) and hanging out with friends in general. Not like usual though, I've been busy, and money is really tight. I had to go to the dr's twice recently at like 200.00 a pop (no health ins), so that kind of sucks. I'm crossing my fingers for the rent this month.

I did go on a date with another guy from the office, who apparently really likes me. He's nice and all. He's even handsome, but I have ZERO sexual attraction, and come on....there have to be SOME sparks or it just isn't gonna work. I'm hoping we can do the just friends thing, but as a general rule guys hate that, so I'm not gonna press the issue.

My mother sent me a package of "gifts" with some pretty earrings and 4 books about why I'm wrong for not following Christianity anymore. LOL, my aren't we failing the attempt at being subtle. She wriggled a promise out of me to read them before I saw what they were. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I think something balatantly cohersive like that is up to my discretion. I'm not going to say anything to her though. It's not worth the guilt trip.

My house is almost habitable again. Laundry and dishes took over the house during the busy season at work, but I am almost caught up with all that. Now for the jungle in the yard..... . The landlord may have a buyer for the house, which is good because I plan on moving Aug 1st and that'll grease the wheels with him. My room-mate and I are going apartment hunting in the beginning of June to get the lay of the land. She's cool, and I think we'll get along well.

So....that's the update. Things are slower now, so I should be able to post more frequently.

good times

2007-04-30T22:55:51Z

So yeah, I had a great party at my place Sat night. drunken ruckus.....good times. Not feeling very talkative so that's it for today, boting I know, but there ya go.

stuff

2007-04-26T05:24:32Z

OMG I am so tired. I am running a call in Japan rt now at 1:20am....and I am myspacing just to stay awake. Had fun today though....took myself off the clock from 9-11:30pm for a break, went out with boy toy, had a mojito and a quickie, and back to the office. Hey, a girl has to have some entertainment! Anyhow...I am having a party at my place Sat night, so that should be fun. I miss my friends! I haven't had time to really talk to anybody all week, work is just slammin me. I just keep chanting "money is my friend".

interesting

2007-04-20T16:47:05Z

I was having a conversation with myself on the way to work this morning about how my life is going. I have been really wild, almost reckless lately (thank you to Alexis for calling me on it), and I realize that it is partially the result of how long I’ve been suppressed, but I also found myself wondering if I really could be a good person without a rigid structure of rules to follow. You know, do I really have the guts to follow my conscience, and is that conscience healthy? I had just decided that I needed to take some time to examine my goals and actions, and on a whim I went online for this weekend’s horoscope…..and check out mine for tomorrow:

Valid during many months: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding.

This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized.

You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don't need more abstractions to chase around - you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so!

This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness.

melbells1126 @ 2007-04-18T22:47:00

2007-04-19T02:49:39Z

VERY long day today. I had back to back conference calls all day long, barely snagged a 45 min lunch out of a 12 hour day. "Someone sweep my brain out from under the desk on the way out please!"

feeling guilty maybe

2007-04-18T03:50:51Z

uh oh....my friend that took care of me all weekend wasn't in today....hoping I didn't reward his kindness by making him sick. Oh for all my friends who myspace, I have a profile now :) but don't worry....I still love my LJ. Ok....I am going home now...still at work.

oh my goodness....the buttery nipples

2007-04-17T00:19:49Z

Ok, so reading over my last few posts, it looks like I'm really into this guy I've been playing with....but let me clarify...I'm NOT. Maybe it's a little harsh, but we both have an arrangement and a friendship, but that's it. The really wierd thing is that there IS someone I really like, he's just far away. I finally worked up the nerve to tell him about the guy at the office here, and he was really understanding. I was afraid he'd be disappointed in me, but things haven't changed between us. I still feel like I can be totally honest with him, which is one of the things I like best about him. If he were local, nobody else would be permitted to touch me...but with that kind of distance, I'm still on the market as it were. It's been really awkward though. I've had to stop myself from calling the guy I've been playing with by the wrong name a few times now (*blush). I know we're not together, and I have been honest with him about the fact that I am rather attached to the guy that's far away, but it can't sound good to a guy to have you shout another man's name in bed.

So anyway....the buttery nipples. For those who don't know, it's a shot that tastes like butterscotch candy, that I have the bartender expand into a drink with cream. It's been my fave drink for about a month now.....but OH they kicked my ass this weekend. For the first time ever I got sick....really sick.....like throw up more than you ate and lay in bed for 2 days sick. The worst of it was that my little friend was stuck with me at his house all weekend cause I was too sick to budge. I had left my vehicle in one city at another friend's house and he was going to take me to go pick it up the next day. Yeah, that so didn't happen. He was good about it though, went out to get me medicine and kept shoving bottled water at me...lol. I'm a little worried about him though. I drink probably more than I should, but he's downing rum to drunkenness EVERY day. Enough so that it keeps him from doing stuff he needs to do. He admits that he's technically an alcoholic, and since he's aware of it, I'm not about to nag him. I do hope he'll pull out of it though. His lifestyle has come a long way in the last few years and I don't want him to lose it because of something like that.

woo hoo

2007-04-13T00:07:51Z

Here's to being pounded so hard you have to beg him to stop! He spent the night on tuesday and I had a good riding before coming to work the next day. Who would've thought I could be so interested/active before my first cup of coffee? Yeah ok, so now that I'm done gloating over the abundance of sex...work is an absolute madhouse. We have 4 seaons every year where 12-15 hour days are the norm, and a new one starts monday. I am going to be sleep-deprived and running on caffine, so I apologize in advance for any posts being completely incoherent.

My wild, wild weekend

2007-04-09T22:39:05Z

Whew! I've been thinking Monday is Friday all day today, so that should give an indication of just how crazy my weekend was! I went out to a concert Friday night with some friends from work, and another coworker met up with us there. We left a little after 1am and went back to his place (me and another girl) because the bars were all gonna stop serving real soon. As soon as we get to his place, my girl crashes on his bed and passes out...LOL. So he and I are in the living room talking and what-not, until after 6am. Realizing how late it is we curl up together on the couch...he starts kissing me...well, the birds flew and the bees buzzed. The 8yr religiously motivated dry-spell has officially been ended (extremely large grin). My friend wakes up not long after we finish, and her boyfriend comes to get her, so he and I go lay down for a nap. That lasted about 20 min before I hear him ask....just how tired are you? LOL. 2 hrs semi-sleep and woo hoo, here we go again. Hehe, he'll be coming over again tomorrow night.

So that brings us to Saturday at like 4pm by the time we have brunch and I go home. Then after a little nap, I hook back up with my girl to go to another of my girls' birthday party. That was an all-nighter involving large quantities of jello shots. Those things sneak up on you real fast, especially when someone just keeps putting them in your hand. One of my primary memories is of a grinding soul train with 5 girls and Victor (gay friend- probably the safest person to have all up on my ass). I slept until after noon and then just hung out with the birthday-girl all day. Went home at 11pm and crashed like a ton of bricks into my bed. I have massive amounts of laundry to do before I have company though! So i'll be a busy girl tonight.

my story part 4

2007-04-06T17:24:51Z

So after all this, I decided to take the bus through the night to go home for Christmas. I felt so bad about myself at this point, that when the stranger sharing a seat with me on the bus started playing with me in my sleep, I didn't even fight him. He bit me, and assaulted me sexually, and I just sat there feeling like I shouldn't make a fuss. When I think about how I could have been sunk into that mindset, I get so angry. I called Jonathan right after from my cell because I just didn't know what else to do, and I have to give him credit that he was there for me at that point. I called him at all sorts of random hours and he was just there. When I finally arrived at the bus station back home, I waited until we were in the car and told my mom, who of course wigged out. We decided not to break it to my stepdad until he got home from work and my baby sister was in bed. My body was bruised and my insides were cut. It hurt just to stand up or to walk. I couldn't even go to the house and take a shower because my mom had errands to run.

My stepdad came home, and my mom and I told him what happened. Later I realized he was drunk, and he told me it had been an ongoing thing even though he'd been sober pretty much since they got married. He didn't want to talk in front of my mom so went went upstairs to the guestroom and he told me that the guys at work had been giving him booze. Then he tells me he's jealous of the guy that assaulted me because HE wanted to touch me. Needless to say I was totally freaked out, went downstairs and told him either he was going to tell my mom or I would.

They had already made an appointment with the Pastor at the church in PA because they wanted him to talk to me about the assault. When we met though, all he said was that I had basically given the guy permission since I didn't fight him, and that not fighting wasn't normal. I wanted to throttle him at that point, wondering if he thought I didn't already know that. Of course it's not normal to let a total stranger use you as a thing! I didn't need to feel worse, I needed help. I hated that man at that moment.

I took the bus back home, and Jonathan picked me up at the station and spent the day with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. We talked until new years eve and then went back under the restriction of not seeing each other. The isolation was crushing. I did okay for a week or two, and then got suicidal. I started trying to figure out how to kill myself without it hurting, and once I decided on sleeping pills with vodka, I set a date. It was going to be this weekend actually, easter sunday. I figured I would give life a chance to improve before I just stopped it.

Sometime after the new year, I started talking to the long-distance guy again. He helped me pull out of it a little bit just by being there and listening to me work through all the shit in my head. He also supported me when I decided to break my ties to the church completely. I had stopped attending, but I was still seeing the counselor sporadically. I no longer had faith in the "deliverance" process however, and I was running out of excuses to break my appointments so it was time for me to confront her with how I really felt. It was difficult because I found her very intimidating. I finally sent her an email, the content of which is posted in another journal.

So now I am working on building friendships, getting out of old mindsets, and hopefully getting real counselling for all the bullshit that has piled up in my life. In addition to my long distance friend, I made some more friends locally that have helped pull me out of the depression. I am loosening up and starting to enjoy life again. It's a big adjustment but I feel like the sky is open again.

my story part 3

2007-04-06T06:17:01Z

A few days after Jonathan called off the wedding, a guy started iming me. He was a flirt, and not at all religious, but he didn't condemn what were my beliefs at the time either. We started flirting back and forth, and after the coldness I had been getting from Jonathan it felt so good to just feel like a woman again. We exchanged pics, and I got into sending him some very naughty ones. We started texting each other some very sexy messages, and I was really digging this guy, but he's an "unbeliever" so is off limits to me. I called Jonathan one day and we hung out. We had been talking a little bit off and on, and he said something about "sin" that made me feel guilty about what I was doing with the pics and this guy, so I started to cry. I ended up telling Jonathan what I had been doing, and he told me how bad it was and that I needed to stop..."trap of satan" was the exact phrase. So he hung out with me all night and watched while I called the long-distance guy and told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. He held me and told me that he loved me, and asked my forgiveness for hurting me, so we started talking and hanging out again. I even took him to my company Christmas party.

Thinking of me as his future wife, he was really freaked about the thing I had going with this other guy. It was kind of like an affair in his mind, so we both agreed that I needed to get "deliverance ministry" to set me free from all the demons that made me want to do "bad" things. Jonathan was supposed to do the same thing so we could get "repaired" spiritually and hopefully the end result was that we would someday be together. Deliverance meant breaking the "soul tie" I had with him, so again I had to forsake contact with him and anyone connected to him, which meant all but 2 of my friends (one of whom was in another state). I was very lonely and very depressed. I went to the counselor a few times, but I wasn't really going to church. I hadn't been for a while and had lost all desire to go. The counselor started digging in my past, and from the patterns in my life, determined that I was completely perverted and twisted, and that I couldn't even have a healthy friendship let alone maintain a relationship with a lover. It wasn't long after we got to this point, that I went back to PA for Christmas.

my story part 2

2007-04-06T05:59:01Z

At age 22 I moved to VA Beach to attend a bible school connected to my church and work on being ordained as a minister. I worked at the church, taught children's church, volunteered, and basically immersed myself there. I also worked for 3 of my years in VA at the 700 Club as a prayer counselor. Being walled off as I was, I didn't really make any friends, even though I was around people all the time. I would laugh and joke while I was there, but it was about 2 years before I really met anyone. Then, through a guy that befriended me, I met Jonathan. I was attracted right away, which caused me to open up to him a little. We were both involved with the youth, and started organizing youth leader prayer meetings together, and started spending alot of time alone together either praying or hanging out. We had a lot in common, and it seemed like a match made in heaven. Our friendship kept getting deeper and deeper and he agressively pried my heart back open. When I would withdraw he would challenge me and pull me back out. I was completely in love with him. He wanted to be a missionary in China, and I was willing to follow him around the globe. We both wanted "god's will" for our lives, so we fasted from any contact with each other for 40 days, at which point he decided he wanted me and we started going out. Neither one of us believed in dating without marriage as the goal, so considering ourselves engaged didn't take long. The ring came in October of 2005. After we had gotten engaged he started to work for the church in the media dept. (he was a computer geek). He had never even had a girlfriend before, and I was the first girl he kissed. We started playing around hot and heavy, and the guilt was too much for him, so we "behaved" for a while, but we couldn't go more than 2-3 weeks at a time without coming close to jumping each other's bones. He would feel guilty about what we were doing, but he started getting really distant from me (said he no longer respected me) which only made me lean more heavily on the physical side of the realationship because I felt insecure and I knew how to "get his attention" that way. In the long run, he made me feel guilty of his "sin" in addition to my own because of course, I was the "evil temptress".

We both agreed that if we were gonna wait until we got married, we'd better hurry up and do it, so we set a date and contacted the church to begin the required pre-marital counseling. His father is a minister on the church staff, and his grandfathers on both sides were in ministry, and he wanted to be a missionary himself, so everything had to be "by the book". We set the date for Oct. 14th 2006. In counseling, we confessed our level of physical activity to the church, and they split us up for 6 months. We were not to contact each other or anyone connected with the other person, not even to ask how they were. We did 4 months of that, and about 2 months into it I left the church for the first time. He came back to me and said he had "heard from god" that the time was finished and we went ahead with the october date, which at that point was only 6 weeks away because I hade to be out of the place where I was living by the 31st. I gave my notice for the 14th, bought the dress, spent about 1300.00 on odds and ends and he paid for the printing of the invitations. We started pre-marital counseling with his aunt and uncle who pastored a different church and were going to marry us.

Things weren't good between us though. After the first rush of him coming back into my life, he got cold and distant. I got more and more depressed. I stopped caring about my appearance and my performance at work even started to suffer. Two weeks before the wedding when we met for a counseling session he told me he wanted to call it off, that he wasn't going to show up. To my credit, I didn't hit him or even cuss him out.....which is remarkable considering my temper. I had gone back to that church as an act of submission to him since I was going to be his wife, and when he abandoned me I stayed because of my pride. I would be damned if "they" were going to see me break. I was left with 2 weeks to find a place to live, and no money because I sank it all into wedding stuff. If you can believe it, I still loved him and believed that he was my "reward" from god, and he claimed to believe the same thing. Last I heard from him, he still did.

My story part 1

2007-04-06T05:27:05Z

Ok, so in an attempt to sort through the insane roller-coaster that has been my life, I am going to try to pull it into a cohesive story. I am 26, and was born in a small town in PA where I lived until I was 22. I was raised as a Catholic from infancy by my grandma, my mom professing no religion but casually participating in my Catholic upbringing. My mom had me when she was 18, and she was a party girl when I was little. My grandparents pretty much raised me. My grandfather molested me, but he stopped before I was old enough to really understand it. My grandmother was his second wife, and his daughter from his first marriage claimed that he molested her too and was disowned by the family for it. I didn't have any memory of being molested until recently, I just had this creepy feeling every time he would touch me. I remember hating my grandma when she would guilt-trip me into sitting on his lap. I lived in that house until I was 10 and my mom married my stepdad. He adopted me as his daughter when they married and my birth certificate was changed so I had his last name. I was excited to finally have a dad, but at that age, and because of his childish nature, I never looked on him as an authority figure. He was more like my big brother, even though I called him dad. We would rough-house and he would tickle me, right up until I was an adult (more on that later). I was a wild kid. I shoplifted, drank, smoke, took naughty pictures, slept around, smoked pot, all the stuff that wild kids do. I had a best friend named Barbara that I had a love-hate relationship with. We would always try to one-up each other to be the "baddest". I was 13 when I had sex for the first time, with her boyfriend in fact, just because I thought she was beating me in the bad-girl race. No love, no affection, not even friendship really. He came over, shoved my face in a pillow to muffle my scream, and left. Welcome to the world of men. I always had terrible self-esteem without knowing why (no memory of the molesting), and I let that man use me for 3 years during which time I had a long string of boyfriends and frequently two at once. Later that year, some of my family were in from out of town, including a cousin about my age. He was a big guy, and we had been friends since we were little children. The family used to be really close, so I never felt uncomfortable with him. This time though, he started being playful and telling me I had nice tits and a nice ass, which I laughed off as him being funny. He pinned me later though and assaulted me with his hands while we were watching tv upstairs. I had hand-shaped bruises on my legs and breasts for weeks, and after that I tried to drown myself (being a damn good swimmer, that didn't work). My friend whose pool I was attempting to use for this purpose called my boyfriend at the time and they made me go to the convent that ran the Catholic school I attended and talk to the nun, who clued my parents in.

When I was 14, my mom got "saved" at an Amway convention, of all places (hooked up with alot of guys while they were in conferences and I was left to roam the hotel). She started watching christian tv to find a place to go to church. She and my stepdad started going to this church in our town, and I agreed to go check it out. It was quite a while before I got on the band-wagon, but once I went down that road (except for periodic bursts of "backsliding") it became my whole life. I refused to go to catholic school anymore because they weren't "saved", or so I was taught and went to public school instead. I got totally involved in the church culture, refused to date, listened only to christian music, paid my tithes, read through most of the bible, and eventually started preaching and leading in youth group. I was "filled with the holy ghost", spoke in tongues, and all that goes along with that. In all honesty, the supernatural stuff that I experienced is all that makes me wonder if there is a spiritual world at all, or whether the human mind is capable of generating those effects in the right circumstances. I would meet strangers and know things about their past, and be able to tell some things about their future. I know it was accurate, because the stuff I predicted would actually happen, and I prayed for people that were sick and they got better. I don't understand that aspect of things, but I'm not ready to try and figure all that out just yet.

The point is that from the time I was 14, all I wanted was to be a minster. I had "prophecies" over my life about leadership, and supernatural abilities. When I was 19, I finally accepted a guy who had been asking me to go out with him for about 4 years. He was talking about marriage in a few years...you know dreaming about the house with a deck and the goldfish pond. We were both "leaders" in the youth group, and while I didn't have sex with him, we would play around. We had all been out late one night and we went back to my friends house to watch movies and all crashed in the living room. He slept between me and one of the youthgroup girls (a minor) and I woke up in the middle of the night to find him facing the wrong way. Him having his hands on another girl while I was asleep next to him of course made me furious and feel totally betrayed. We broke up, and I became a man-hater for a while. Over the next few years I was like a hammer. I pounded people to try and make them into what I thought they should be. I closed myself off, and while I had alot of people floating around in my little world, nobody had a shot at getting anywhere near my heart.

melbells1126 @ 2007-04-03T17:00:00

2007-04-03T21:37:54Z

So.....a decision has been made. My party will be a luau! I am planning drinks and shopping for decorations. It's gonna be awesome! Now I just need something tropical to wear......lol. Went out for a friends b-day last night and had an awesome time....even though they kept me out til 5am on a work night. will be posting my story here soon, cause i think writing it all down may A. help me process all the shit running through my head, and B. help somebody else not feel like shit. Not up to the challenge just yet though. Work has been too busy. made a new friend at the boston office though, cool guy and interesting. I love finding people as strange as I am to talk to.

long day

2007-03-29T01:37:21Z

Well, I have officially been at work for over 12hrs now, but I felt the need to journal, so here I am. Things are backing way off with my friend. I miss the conversation, especially on the phone -- more personal than IM. I like to be around people I can really talk to...that can handle going from playful, to serious and back again...and still keep up. Alot of people just don't talk anymore. There are other people around, but he has a really unique way of looking at things that I enjoy. Oh well. If he's not feelin' it, then he's not feelin' it. Hopefully he'll turn up again some other time.

I may have already mentioned this, but I make jewelry and bridal headpieces on the side, and I've got a prospective commission. I have to go meet the bride on Saturday, so here's hoping. I already sell some of my stuff in a bridal consignment shop, but business there is VERY sporadic. Custom jobs are really where the money is anyway.

I am having a party at my house on April 28th, and I need ideas. I've never really thrown one for no reason before. I am contemplating a theme of some sort...or kinds of entertainment. If anybody has ideas, do tell! BTW- trying not to spend a fortune.

please rescue me from comatose state

2007-03-27T23:12:29Z

Well, I started a training class at work today for yet ANOTHER responsibility (as if working in 4 departments wasn't enough). I like learning new things, but the guy who did the training was a mess. I don't think he really knew his stuff, so he kept talking to us like we were dumb and repeating himself. The man felt the need to explain the back and next buttons to us 3 TIMES! Oh the horror. I was so annoyed. I can't stand it when somebody tries to play off inadequate understanding by talking more and more...as if they can replace quality with quantity.

I had to retreat to "livejournal world" just so I could encounter intelligent thought! LOL.

busy busy busy

2007-03-26T23:57:52Z

Well, I haven't been journaling as much, but it's because I've been running like a crazy girl. I only do this at work, and we've been pretty busy. I've been going out alot too. I've made some new friends that I really like, and starting to unwind. I am going to get my first tattoo...a kitty cat on my back. I'm a little scared though.....I don't like pain, and I don't like needles, but I DO like tattoos...go figure. I am out of here in 6 minutes and I can't wait. Today has been alot slower than my days usually are. I spent most of it online shopping (I've been a very bad girl!). I'm tired today too. A friend came over last night to chill, and stayed until 3am. I had a blast, but I was feelin' it this morning when I tried to roll my lazy carcass out of bed. I firmly believe that the day shouldn't start until noon! At least I remembered to set up my automatic brew coffee pot, so it was hot and waiting when I did get up. Life is SO much better with coffe :-D

melbells1126 @ 2007-03-26T18:13:00

2007-03-26T22:13:18Z

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

hehe....ok i am officially addicted to these little quizzes

2007-03-23T05:57:35Z

Sagittarius - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates
You're willing to take risks in love... and reap the rewards
You've got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet

Your negative traits:

Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive
You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts
You're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person

Your ideal partner:

Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever
Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you
Is bold... and not afraid to tell you "I love you" early on

Your dating style:

Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up.

Your seduction style:

Daring. You're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom.
Full of imagination. You've always got a new fantasy you're dying to try.
Spiritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldly act.

Tips for the future:

Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better.
It's not all about you. Focus on your partner's needs every once and a while.
Make up your mind about your partner, and stick to it. Your fickle will ruin things otherwise.

Best color to attract mate: Purple

Best day for a date: Thursday

take the test!

2007-03-22T04:36:00Z

http://www.thatsurveysite.net/take.php?id=eay

Your Results

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality

You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about self than concerned about others, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more workaholic than lazy, more traditional than rebel, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are adventurious (100%), romantic (71%), greedy (69%), artistic (67%).

Stereotypes
Old Geezer	83%
Punk Rock	67%
Prep	62%

Life Experience
Sex	35%
Substances	38%
Travel	9%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 50% of the time.

Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 35% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG-13.
By the way, your hottness rank is 0%, hotter than 0% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

law of undulation

2007-03-20T17:55:07Z

Have you ever noticed that after something really good happens...you feel miserable on the tail end? C.S. Lewis talks about this in the Screwtape Letters. He calls it the law of undulation. The basic principle is that just like the graph of a radio frequency or the waves on the ocean-- that for every human "high" there is an EQUAL and OPPOSITE "low". I think there might be some truth to that. I felt really good after my friend came to town. He left on Weds. Saturday was St. Paddy's day and so I attempted yet again to round some people up, go out and paint the town....specifically a local Irish pub with kick-ass food ;) So all but 1 of the 5 I invited cancelled, and that one called way late. I tried to go by myself, but it was all chaos and you couldn't even converse to try and meet somebody so I walked in...lingered for about 10min, and walked out. I went out to my car and cried, feeling very sorry for myself. I went bought some movies, food and booze, and sank myself into oblivion for 2 days. MISERABLE!

Have you ever felt so depressed that you didn't WANT to be happy? yeah...that was me. So anyway I was having my little "nobody likes me...nobody gives a damn" tirade, and was suddenly proved wrong. lol Monday night a friend called me to go out. I went and had an absolute blast....and discovered that tequila knocks me flat on my ass, only you don't realize it till you try to stand up.....

Anyway, not only did I have a good time with my friend, but I really hit it off with the 3 other girls she had invited, so now I have a standing invitation to go chill....which was absolutely necessary if I wasn't going to turn hermit...Emily Dickenson style. Also, my house is up for sale (I just rent) and the chick that called me is a prospective room-mate as well. We were making some plans this morning. Things are starting to level out a bit, and I am extremely glad.

a bright spot

2007-03-15T04:54:57Z

My visit from my friend was really nice. He is sweet, intelligent, funny and a gentleman. I wish we had been able to spend more time together :) once he was here I didn't want him to go home, but the way things are right now it isn't time for him to be here --if ever -- and we both know it. I can't read him, which fascinates me, and he's stubborn as a mule....lol. I can't believe he kept his visit a secret from me for months. NO ONE has ever been able to stump me like that! I was impressed. I like him. Right now he's a valuable friend, someday he may be more, but if that time never happens I'm glad to have his friendship :) We went to an art museum before I took him to the airport today. It felt SO GOOD just to browse around and see what there was to see, with him holding my hand. I NEED to be touched. It's just my way, and the casual affection made me feel alive.

I was a little frustrated for awhile. He wasn't feeling well, and for the first 2 days he didn't seem to be really enjoying himself. Especially since we work together, and it felt like being exhibits A and B in the office. It was frustrating because I couldn't help. I hate that feeling. It was a little odd to see him in 3D at first...lol. I've gotten accustomed to how he looks in pictures, so i just had to process for a min. He's very handsome. I was really nervous about what he thought of me. I've sent him lots of pics (as requested lol) but there was always the possiblity of him thinking...."yeah the picture is def better than the reality". I got over it though. I'm not Miss America to be sure, but I feel fairly confident that he is attracted to me. I FEEL attractive with him, and that's usually a good sign.

I have learned that I need to at least TRY to play things closer to the vest. I'm not good at hiding things, and I'm very open about my life. But I am discovering that while there are a few friends at work I talk to, they apparently talk to OTHER people. News flies through this place. At least people were nosy for a good reason though. They started asking what was up because I was obviously happier than I've been for a long time. If they are going to pry, that's the best condition I can think of to cause it. :)

I also learned that I still need closeure with Jonathan. Things were left too open ended with him, and I feel like I can't move on to anything new. That and I have been having bad dreams about him. I feel a little guilty over how things happened with him. I think that's why it's so hard for me to just totally sever my heart from him and take it back. Things going bad wasn't all his fault. He did some stupid stuff, but so did I. He still claims to love me, and that he eventually wants to marry me. Of course that probably isn't the case anymore, unless he expects that I am going to come back to the church someday. He wouldn't be able to handle my questions or my anger. I need to take my friend's suggestion and write to him. I've realized that he only ever really wanted me when he couldn't have me. As long as I was unattainable I had his affection, but when I was in his life he would just gradually forget me. And I have ALOT of anger towards him over the physical end of our relationship. He would push for me to play around with him. He would complain about being in "pain" if I didn't, but then because we did play around he tells me he no longer respects me. The blunt truth of it is that he made me feel dirty. So why am I so worried about hurting him again? No, that's just bitterness. I can't find any healing in hurting somebody else. I just need to try and put what I need to say as gently as possible.

To close out on the main topic...today was a bright spot. I spent time with a friend that I feel I can talk to about anything. I got to see beautiful art. I got to glimpse into the heart of a poet and the mind of a philosopher. I got valuable advice that I fully intend to put to use. I was even fed lunch at a lovely restaurant ;) -- albeit the food was more asthetic than edible, but it was still nice. I feel like all the parts of me....mind, body, soul, got taken care of today.